and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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