you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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