I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
