So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
