What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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