how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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