i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The feeling are messing with the penis
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize