you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize