Just mADE A PArabola og urine
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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