She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
