The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
