I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
