I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
