My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
