i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I wish you could order shots online.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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