How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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