i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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