Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
