She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I wear drunk well.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
