I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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