My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
