he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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