I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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