if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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