Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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