On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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