I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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