my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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