remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
