Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
