Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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