I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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