so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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