ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
