Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
