Me too!
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
