last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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