i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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