yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
