I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize