If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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