I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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