You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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