you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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