I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
