Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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