I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Michael Bay diarrhea
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
