I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
