i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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