My liver just broke up with me...
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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