in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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