Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
When are your genitals available?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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