So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
