I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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