that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
