It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
