Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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