You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
