Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Is Oprah even human
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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