i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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