Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
