Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
